Old Age, Tiger's New Yacht & A.A.A.D.D.

• Who lent her boyfriend her bathing suit? See below..

• A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

• What I fear about old age...

• Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I am gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

• Tiger Woods' new yacht..

• A young boy had just received his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B Average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut.'

The young man paused a moment then said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'

• Never give up

• Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the waste bin under the table and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post box when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheque's are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the cup of tea I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheque's but first I need to push the tea aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The tea is getting cold and I decide to put it in the kitchen to wash up.

As I head toward the kitchen with the tea a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye--they need water. I put the tea on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I'd better put them back on my desk but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table so I decide to put it back in the sitting room where it belongs.

But first I'll water the flowers. I go to pour some water in the flowers but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of tea sitting on the worktop

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,

And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,

And I'll try to get some help for it,

But first I'll check my e-mail....

Ed. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!! Just like the guys who claim they've never paid for a bar fine. They will !!!!!

• Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey

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