Humour ~ Pattaya Rag

Sunday 22 June 2008

Sweet time had by all. - Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.
"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar it felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly,3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

A very successful business man was dining in a very posh restaurant with his wife. Suddenly a beautiful young girl came up to him, leant over, gave him a kiss and said, "when you have taken your aunt home George, come around to the flat". With that the girl swept out of the restaurant. "Who in the hell was that?" asked the wife." "That was my mistress" he replied. "Your bloody mistress? Right! Tomorrow I go and see my lawyer and sue for divorce", I'll give you bloody mistress!" By now people in the restaurant were looking at them. " Shhh. Lower your voice please." He said. "�k, you see your lawyer. You take me for whatever you want, but think about this. You have a very good life. Out to lunch whenever you want with the girls. Accounts at the best stores in town. A chauffer driven can 24/7 at your call. Then of course there is the summer home and the yacht. Now will you be able to afford all that on your own, even with half my money? One thing I can tell you is that whatever you get, I will have made it up in a year. My life will continue my life as it is now." Just then a another middle aged man walked into the restaurant with a dolly on his arm. The wife stared. "That's David your partner, who is the woman on his arm? she asked. "That is his mistress. All successful men have a mistress."he said. After a moment of contemplation the wife smiled, patted her husbands hand and said, "She's not as nice as ours George".

Clever word definitions:
- ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
- BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
- CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
- CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
- COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
- DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
- EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
- HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
- INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
- MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
- RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
- SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
- SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
- TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
- TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
- YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
- WRINKLES: Something other people have.

Pages