- A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
- The Death Slide
- The Wall of Fear
- The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing tw@t !!!'
- The army found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of �1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of �72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his up stretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with �96,000. The third one was a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my todger to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the woman from the MOD that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and MOD, ever careful with the Public Purse, decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The MO arrived and instructed the Sarnt Major to 'drop 'em', which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sarnt Major's todger and began to work back.
"Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
And the Sergeant Major replied, 'Basra'
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